Our speaker this week was Matt Rawlins. Some things he spoke about were the fear of the Lord, how big God is, how God longs for us to receive His love, what we find our value in, and issues of the heart. Digging into deep issues of the heart and facing them is painful but leads to intimacy with Christ. I experienced a lot of brokenness this week. My eyes were opened to some heart issues and lies I have been giving into and struggling with my entire life. I realize lies telling me I’m insufficient and worthless and all this doubt in myself that I carry around will probably never fully leave, but I have the ability and authority to say no every time they enter my mind. Spirituality is learning to catch a lie as soon as possible and take it to the cross. I can take that lie, nail it to the cross and declare that no matter what I do, God says I am loved, I belong, I am wanted, I will never be a disappointment to Him, I have value to Him, and I don’t have to wallow around in guilt every time I mess up, because Jesus already took all this for me. Am I going to live my life trying to prove my value or am I going to break this foundation and go to a deeper truth? I need to turn around and face these lies and say they have no more authority in my life because Jesus became a disappointment that I might never disappoint again. Paul says I die daily. I must die daily to the lie – to turn at it and say no, this is not what God says I am and I don’t have to live under this. I should never look at my own heart without keeping one eye on God because I am a mess, and it’s only through His grace and through finding my identity in Him that I can make it. I need to go through a lot of brokenness before a river can flow through me. I got new insight on why God created us, what His primary motive was. Was it for worship? No. Was it for service? No. God says it is better to give than receive. God gets more pleasure in giving than receiving. God gets more pleasure in giving of Himself, than receiving from us. The Bible says we were made for His pleasure, what would bring God the greatest pleasure? What would fulfill His desire? God gets the greatest pleasure out of creating beings for His love. God created us that He might give His love to us – that’s His primary motive. Worship is our response. Worship and service to God is for our benefit. God doesn’t need my worship, but He enjoys it, because He is a lover. God wants to give Himself to us, to His creation. God makes Himself vulnerable to us! We walk out on Him, but He never leaves us, He never stops loving us. Love made Him vulnerable to us. The more I study the love of God the less sense it makes because I can’t fully understand it from my human perspective. We spend our whole life trying to avoid being vulnerable and dependent. We want to be in control. We want to be safe. But, the only place, the only place you can be safe, is with a God who loves you. That’s it. God is heartbroken when we do not allow Him to love us. Let Him love you, receive His love, then respond in faith, that is our destiny. There’s an 8,000 year history of God pursuing us, going out of His way, reaching out to us, longing to help us. Does He not deserve the reward of His suffering? He is worthy and just wants us to accept His love. He wants us to run to Him. In order to gain wisdom and walk into intimacy with Christ, we have to be willing to confront, walk into, and face pain. And in facing pain, we have to let God love us, because love is the comfort that allows us to walk through pain. In being comforted, I can face anything. Some of us are angry with God because He has allowed situations in our life to break us. But when He allows brokenness in our life it allows us to be able to give of ourselves what He has given to us. When we give He starts to give us more of Himself. He has unlimited supply of love without end. He will never, ever, stop loving us. God has made me in His image. My life is to give what He has given to me. As I give what He has given me, He will replenish me. I want God to break me so I can be a vessel that He may live through my life. My need for control must be crushed so that I might be vulnerable and give what God gave to me. It’s going to take faith to get there, because all of my experiences have been I love you God if… I love You when… I love You if you meet my needs. God uses the sin and the struggle of this world to break us so that we might be able to give His love to others and receive an abundance of infinite love. We don’t have to fear brokenness. I want to be controlled by the love of Christ. I have to ask God to break me in order for the love of Christ to be made manifest in my life. Selfishness suffers when it can’t get. Love suffers when it can’t give. We’re angry because He won’t meet needs, we’re angry because He won’t satisfy, we’re angry because… And this is our suffering. This is the world’s suffering, no one will meet our needs. But God’s love suffers when it can’t give. God loves us not if, not because of, not when, He loves you. And who are we that we should be angry with God and judge and question Him? Life is not fair, but God is just. He hates injustice. He loves those who are brokenhearted. He loves those who are suffering in poverty more than we ever could because they are His children. There is suffering because of our sin, because this is a fallen world we live in and there is a very real enemy who attacks and wants to cause pain. Every good and perfect gift comes from above. Bad things are not of God. Jesus is the one who had the most injustice done to Him. All He did was show love, and we crucified Him. Justice caused God His son. We have no right to judge God and justify our self. Angry children get mad at their dad because they don’t want to deal with pain. Judgment of God comes out of pain and hurt in our life that we haven’t dealt with. Three questions I've been contemplating: How am I to let myself be found by God? (Not how am I to find God?) How am I to let myself be known by God? (Not how am I to know God?) How am I to let myself be loved by God? (Not how am I to love God?)
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